Found this on my computer from the good old days of Blockbuster. It was on a site called Ihateblockbuster.com or something yet 95% of the responders were just employees complaining....But this Gem came from there and always made me smile....
So I give you:
"Rules for the Blockbuster Customer to Make Employees Go Insane”
-written by the employee for their customers
Rule #1 – Entrance:
When entering the store and are greeted with a friendly hello, please ignore our existence; even when our greeting is clearly repeated. We enjoy being ignored and understand that we are lowly video store clerks not worthy of your direct attention, as we are unable to “spit” in your food.
Rule #2 – Sales Floor:
A.) No, our store is NOT in alphabetical order…we have no order system what-so-ever. The manner in which our movies are displayed is completely random and selected by a blind monkey who failed first grade. When you see us carrying a large stack of returns, it is merely coincidence that the movie at the top of our pile, is the one that is next on the wall to be shelved.
B.) We are happy to stand and get involved in a exceptionally long conversation when we are carrying a large stack of returns. Part of the benefit package of working at Blockbuster, upon being employed our bones are surgically altered. As a result – our arms do not get sore. So Please…carry on…
C.) In addition, yes you may grab the movie that at the bottom of the pile of movies I am returning to the shelves. We have excellent balance, so no warning is necessary.
D.) We know where everything is. Please look confused when if we have to go to the computer terminal to find out where that 30 year old movie you want it. Also please get furious, and act as if we just killed your dog, when the title is not available.
E.) Yes, we do have a separate category for each actor/rating/movie popularity/hair color and cup size, etc…
F.) If you feel that the movie you want won’t be in later and you don’t want to get it on your first visit, feel free to hide it somewhere within the sales floor. We enjoy scavenger hunts.
Rule #3 – Assistance
A.) No, you do not need to know the name of the movie you want me to find for you. We are also psychic.
B.) Yes, I have seen EVERY movie in this store and do know what you are talking about. In our spare time we memorize who is in EVERY movie we have in stores
C.) No, I do not need I.D. to set an account up for you. I simply take your word as scouts honor.
D.) No, your I.D. doesn’t have to be YOUR I.D., please use a friend’s….
Rule #4 – Checkout
A.) We do not need your card or I.D., simply rattle off your phone number; even though you have been told many times that we can’t look it up that way.
B.) Do not listen when we are reading off the titles of the movies you have chosen. Simply ignore us. When you get home and realize you grab the wrong movie, call us back and swear at us for not being more clear.
C.) No, there is no tax on our movies. You shouldn’t have to pay a federally regulated fee.
D.) Please do not get your card or money out while you are waiting in line. We as employees, as well as other customers, truly appreciate it when you spend 5 minutes at the counter searching through your purse/wallet.
E.) Please count out exact change and pay your amount due in pennies
F.) We realize you know our jobs better than we do. Feel free to tell us what we are doing wrong and how things would be done if you were in charge.
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G.) Yes, of course, it is absolutely without question, that it is our fault that the primary card holder did not list your name on the account
H.) Yes, our store directly manufactures each item we sell. When you receive a defective movie, please call us and bitch out the employee for personally making such a “piece of shit”
Rule #5 – Return Times
A.) When we say due by Tuesday, we actually mean the following Friday.
B.) Yes, we are convinced that you didn’t rent those five movies and drop them off late. It is merely a coincidence that the person on the surveillance camera looks exactly like you.
C.) Our computers have personalities, and if they don’t like you they will just add late charges. Clearly it must be reprimanded for charging you fees that you admit you “may owe”….
Miscellaneous Rules –
A.) If you return 5 of the 6 movies because they weren’t working, it is obviously our merchandise – Your DVD Player is working just fine
B.) Please allow your children to throw things at us and defecate on the floor. We love monkeys.
C.) Do not wait at the “Please Wait Here Sign”, simply walk past it
D.) A “Closed Register” Sign is misleading. Simply remove the sign from the counter and expect to be served.
E.) Please come in 2 minutes before close. Stay and have deep discussion with friends about movie plots until nearly an hour past.
F.) DO NOT, under any circumstances, BATHE. That sweaty crotch smell highlighted by your 4 day old bathrobe actually arouses us.
G.) It is definitely our fault for not printing our rules in your native language. Swahili and Tongan should be nationally recognized languages. Shame on us for not speaking them in a land that is primary English….Shame on us…
